


Crazy

by thesadchicken



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Claustrophobia, Gen, Madness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-02 02:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4041670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesadchicken/pseuds/thesadchicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was floating. Up above everything, he was floating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crazy

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to my bestie [Captainslock](captainslock.tumblr.com) for beta-reading this for me, and for her amazing feedback!

_And when you're out there, without care,_

_Yeah, I was out of touch_

_But it wasn't because I didn't know enough_

_I just knew too much_

~

 “Elim Garak,” someone called, but he wasn’t listening.

He was floating. Up above everything, he was floating. His eyes were screwed shut and he had no intention of opening them. All his attention was focused on his body and the way it responded to the gentle push-and-pull of invisible waves, rocking him towards uncertain shores. His hair was swirling madly around his head, a black and disturbed halo of darkness surrounding his equally disturbed thoughts. Something pulled at his feet, drawing him up, out of the water, out of the chaos. He welcomed the change with a deep sigh of relief and let himself be pulled into the sky. His eyelids fluttered; for a second, he glanced at the unperturbed whiteness of a cloudless sky, and he was in it, floating up above the sea.

The air all around him was cold, and from time to time an icy breeze would sneak beneath his clothes and crawl on his skin, creeping its way all over his body, freezing his scales into a numb state of utter incapacity. Before long he couldn’t move a limb, and fell with indifferent abandon into a bodiless sleep. His consciousness was everything he had left and he clung to it, reassured by its clarity; the sky in which he floated was absolutely cloudless. His thoughts echoed against the walls of his head, crystalline, unblemished, moving everywhere and filling up every ounce of space in his skull. Names, places, faces; he saw them all through his mind’s eyes, they were there with him, they were floating too. His thoughts became little black birds with sharp and shiny black beaks, flying around him in harmony, submitting to the steady pace at which he put them. He was the choreographer of their silent dance. Suddenly there were too many of them, the fluttering of their wings made too much noise, they were moving too fast. He tried to push them away but they wouldn’t leave and wouldn’t follow his orders. He created a wall around himself but every brick he laid was transparent. He made his mind opaque -he knew how to do that, he had been trained to become a mystery- and sunk further into it. If he could, he would have covered his face with his hands. The birds began to screech, annoyed at him for hiding away. He felt a beak tug at his clothes while a sharp pain stung his arms: four sets of claws were digging into his scales. He felt himself being lifted higher and tried to move his legs, to kick, to hang onto something. His complete paralysis struck him when his eyes refused to open at his command; he was trapped inside his own body. It sent a violent wave of panic through him –an electric shock, a quick lash of a whip- cruel, merciless, sheer panic. He felt the air being pulled out of his lungs and wanted to gasp for breath but breath was all he had. In the vastness of the endless white sky he was breathing with every last bit of force left in him. And yet his chest felt compressed, squashed under the weight of his incapacity. _He was trapped inside his own body_. He felt his face go wet with tears he couldn’t control. He had forgotten about the birds, and only when they let go of him did he remember, but it was too late; he was falling.

He was falling. Down into the stomach of the planet, he was falling. It swallowed him whole and enveloped his lifeless form in its warmth. Slowly, he started regaining the feeling in his fingers, his claws, his arms, his legs… his body was resurrecting, bit by bit, he was coming back to life. His eyes snapped open and studied his surroundings before he dared to move. He was in a large rocky cave, and he wasn’t alone: a figure was lurking in a corner. He slipped his arms over his body, into the folds of his clothing, through his hair and across his face. It felt so good to be able to move again, and yet he couldn’t truly taste the comfort it brought. His face was still wet and his body still shivering, despite the heat emanating from the stony walls around him. The experience stuck to him still after it ended: he couldn’t get over the horrifying impression that he was imprisoned in his own body. He pushed himself onto his feet, trying to shake it off. He looked around the room and noticed, for the second time, the dark figure crouching in a corner. Placing a foot carefully in front of the other, he made his way towards it, squinting in the dimly lit cave. The spectral silhouette looked up at him with bloodshot eyes and wild, wiry black hair. There seemed to be blood dripping from its chin.

“Elim,” the figure whispered hoarsely, getting up and sinking further into the shadows.

He took a step back and looked harder, trying to make out the other person’s features through the layers of darkness they were surrounded by.

 “Who are you?” he finally inquired, gently, as he reached a hand out to touch the stranger’s face. Under his fingers he felt a ridged face –a Cardassian. He pressed his thumb to the chufa and heard the figure gasp. Struck by a horrific realization, he reached into the gloom and violently pulled the other person out, holding them by the shoulders. He stared into the familiar face with dread.

“Elim,” he gasped, recognizing his own features –although mutilated and wearing a tortured expression, it still was his own face.

He let go of the creature with a yelp, but it clung to his arms. He pushed it away with all his might, but it clutched him by the hair and held on. He screamed, shaking arms and legs in a mad attempt at breaking free from his own deadly grasp. The creature pulled harder but he struggled, pulling away. Then suddenly an idea hit him: he flung all his weight to the side and brought them both against the rocky walls. The blow was strong enough to make him dizzy, but at least it disconcerted the creature long enough for it to let go of him. He ran as far away from it as he could; which wasn’t far enough, but the cave walls surrounded him and there was nowhere to hide. Burying his face in his hands, he crouched in a corner and shivered. His face was bleeding. He slowly slipped into a state of numb unconsciousness.

He waited in the shadows until a sound alerted him to the presence of someone else in the cave. _How could I have forgotten?_ The creature must still be after him. He looked up to see his own face staring back at him with unmasked curiosity.

“Elim,” he muttered, taking a step back towards the wall. He felt confused by the hoarseness of his own voice.

“Who are you?” the creature said, softly, while reaching out to touch his face.

It hit him then. _It’s happening again, I’m going around in circles –I’m caught in a time loop, get away, I must get away, no, don’t touch me, don’t_ -

He threw himself at the creature and held it by the hair.

“Elim Garak”, a voice said. And he woke up from a sweat drenched sleep.

He held on to the name. The only shred of sanity in the madness that was eating him from the inside out. He whispered it as he looked at himself in the mirror in the morning and shivered. “Who are you?” he told his reflection. It didn’t answer.

No, the only shred of sanity left wasn’t his name, it was that question. That unbearable, impossible question.

~

_Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,_

_Ha ha ha bless your soul_

_You really think you're in control_

_-Crazy, Gnarls Barkley_


End file.
